Am I Happy?

One of my favorite songs of all time is “Happiness” from You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown. I’ve always been a happy-go-lucky type of person. Somewhere along the way, I made a commitment to joy, to make it the central theme of my life.

The seed was planted back in those early summer days at vacation Bible school. I can still taste the Kool-Aid and cookies that followed the final song of the day:

“I’ve got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart (where?)
Down in my heart (where?)
Down in my heart…”

If you know, you know. I loved that song.

Maybe it trained my mind, because in the midst of a lot of craziness going on around me, I managed to stay happy, or at least I thought I was, or pretended to be. My surface memory is of a very happy, beautiful childhood: loving parents, a huge close-knit family, a nice home. But over time, intellectually, I’ve uncovered a lot of trauma that I had buried deep. In retrospect, some of it was pretty fucked up, but we’ll save that for another time.

I’ve also always been a glass-half-full kind of guy. I had a strong foundation in faith, but I also had a very naive view of life. In many ways, I lived in a fantasy. Looking back, I realize that fantasy protected me, maybe even saved my life.

As life unfolded, that fantasy slowly faded, and reality was shocking. For example, I thought racism was over in the early ’80s. I truly believed it was a thing of the past. That illusion shattered when I got to college in “liberal” California. Likewise, when I finally got a big break in music, I was told to “tone it down” and never publicly say that I’m gay. This was the era of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.” I truly believed most people couldn’t care less about sexuality. “Who cares if I’m gay? It’s the ’80s.” That belief got me dropped from a record deal.

It’s a testament to my faith that, despite these harsh realities unfolding before me, I’ve still been inclined to find joy in every situation. In the early ’90s, while studying A Course in Miracles, I learned about living in gratitude. That was a huge shift for me.

But the more I worked on myself and explored therapy, the more trauma and heartbreak I uncovered, sometimes more than I thought I could bear. Learning the power of forgiveness became a lifesaver, literally. It propelled me into immeasurable peace and gratitude. I thought I had found the true meaning of happiness.

Now, as I approach the glorious age of 60 (I never thought I’d make it to 30, let alone 60), I have to ask, am I happy?

In theory, yes. I am very happy, and deeply blessed. But do I dwell in happiness day to day? That’s harder. I miss people. I miss places. I miss the naive way I once saw the world. Some days, life just beats down hard, and it takes a moment to stop, breathe, look around, and remember how beautiful this miracle called life is.

No matter how difficult things get, someone, somewhere has it worse than me, and that reminds me to count my blessings.

I’ve learned to maintain happiness as a daily practice. First, by fully honoring and loving myself, no more beating myself up, no more negative self-talk, no more setting myself up. I surround myself with people who lift me up, not those who contribute to my self-loathing. And most importantly, I recognize that every day I wake up, every moment within it is a gift.

Life is fleeting. I can always start a new venture, buy another house, find another lover, but I can’t get more time.

So I try to stay rooted in the knowing that each moment is uniquely precious and will never come again.

I live life as a grand adventure, because it is. Each day is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, something you can only savor moment by moment. That awareness pushes me to smell the flowers, smile at strangers, relish every morsel I eat, and love the people in my life fiercely.

Happiness is a state of being.

Satisfaction is a lowly thing, how pure is joy!